Mars Attacks the Kingdom Characters
by Laydee-Panda
Summary: Complete! A Kingdom Hospital Mars Attacks crossover. Elmer and Lona are abducted by the aliens. !Comedy! Note: If you haven't seen Mars Attacks, general information that you need to understand the story is provided as a separate chapter WARNINGcontains sp
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer: ****I do not own Kingdom Hospital, Mars Attacks or "The Night Before Christmas" (which the poem at the end is a parody of) **

Lona and Elmer walked through the field hand in hand. They had only been together for a week but Lona hadn't been happier in her life. She didn't understand why she had never had had feelings for him before. Honestly, why was their age difference such a big problem before, it seemed so meaningless now.

"Oh" Lona said dreamily "look at the stars, they're so beautiful." She said and Elmer nodded pulling her close.

"Now or never Elmer" he thought. He broke away from Lona and before she knew what was happening, he was down on one knee.

"Oh my God." She said shaking. Elmer reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a little square box and opened it up revealing a gold diamond ring.

"Lona Massingale," he said taking a deep breath and trying to force his nerves down.

"I have known you for over a year now, and loved you most of that time. This past week has been amazing and I want us to have many more like it. Will you marry me?" Lona stood in silence for a few moments absorbing what had just happened.

"Did he really just ask…?" she thought. Finally, she took a deep breath and said

"Yes, Elmer I…" but before she could finish her statement, a huge piece of rock suddenly fell from the sky.

"Lona look out METEORITE!" he cried, but before she had time to react, and before he could push her out of the way it landed, smacking Lona hard on the head. Lona fell to the ground and the meteor landed by her side leaving a tiny crater in the earths surface. Elmer bent over Lona and he panicked.

"No, please don't be dead!" he cried checking her pulse, relieved when he found one, faint but there. Elmer reached into his coat pocket searching for his cell phone.

"Oh arrrrggggggghhhhh!" he cried "I'm such an idiot, I left the phone in the cradle when I left this morning!" he said. He searched Lona's purse and was horrified to find that she hadn't brought hers either. "Now what!? Alright alright, Elmer this is no time to panic. I can, well, the nearest pay phone is only a few minutes walk…but I can't leave Lona…but maybe I could carry her? Oh, am I strong enough? I knew I shouldn't have dropped out of that weight training class in high school!" Elmer dropped to the ground next to Lona, frustrated and at a lost for something to do. They couldn't stay there, Lona needed help right away, but he couldn't leave her to get help, and he surely wasn't strong enough to carry her all the way. "Oh, Elmer you ASS!" he said, remembering the days when Lona used to call him that. "you're a doctor for crying out loud, and you can't even figure out what to do in an emergency!"

Just then he heard faint beeping sounds coming from, well he didn't know where. But he thought maybe they were car horns or something so he looked around for headlights and he indeed noticed headlights but they weren't coming from the road. More from the sky. He sat there dumfounded as the lights came closer and finally he could see the thing they were coming from. "UFO?" he said as he stared at the round object that had just landed. Impossible he thought, UFO's are not real. Still, he leaned over Lona protecting her in case whatever was in those things were not friendly. The door opened and a long ramp uncurled from it. Elmer waited with baited breath to see what would come down this ramp. The most despicable looking thing you could ever see. "It" ("he? she?" Elmer could not tell the difference) came out followed by two lines of what Elmer could guess were it's body guards. It wore a red sparkling robe with a gold collar and an air helmet. The guards were wearing green suits and carrying guns ("real? They look like toys") It's brain, ("is that it's brain?") was exposed and it was huge. It's eyes bulged ("out of their..there are no eye sockets, just eyes") There was no more than two slits for a nose and no lips, just the straightest set of teeth you could ever see. Multiple flaps of skin ("is that skin or?") hung down on either side of the face where the cheeks were. It didn't talk, but communicated by opening it's mouth and letting out some kind of croak.

"Mwaap Mwaap" (well, something like that) it said and traced an arch in the air with it's finger. It tilted it's head at Elmer and then looked down at Lona curiously. "Mwaap Mwaap?" the thing asked. Judging by the way the thing had ended it's mwaaps, he guessed it was a question. Elmer didn't know what to do. How was he to communicate with this thing? "Erm, Mwaap?" he repeated the tone that the thing had produced. It eyed him questioning. Obviously, whatever Elmer had just said to the thing was in comprehendible, Martian gobilty goop. "Shit!" he exclaimed. Next to exit the space ship is Tom Jones ("No Way!"…ooooh yesss)

"I can translate" Tom said. "I've been working with these guys for some time now." Elmer shook his head to make sure he was seeing who he thought he was seeing. ("yep, that's definitely him") "Uh, Mr. Ambassador ("so it's a boy Martian") wants to know "what's new pussy cat!?" hah hah, no seriously. He wants to know what happened to your lady friend." Tom said after listening to another series of mwaaps. Elmer stared for a second . How could he be cracking jokes at a time like this?

"She got hit by a meterorite." He said.

"Well, "it's not unusal"..!" he said.

"Huh? No unusual to get hit by a meteorite?"

"Nope, to be loved by anyone."

"Excuse me?"

"Forget it… "

We have to help her!"

"Okay, okay…Mr…what's your name?"

"Traff, Elmer Traff."

"Right, okay. Let's just see what my friends here can do for you. Mwaap mwaap, mwap mwap, mwaaaaap."

"Mwaaaaaap, Mwaaaap Mwap Mwaaap?" Ambassador says.

"Do you have any doves?" Tom asks Elmer.

"Excuse me?"

"Mr. Ambassador wants to be sure you don't have any doves."

"Er, no. I don't have any doves. Is this some kind of a joke?"

"No, the martians just don't like doves is all. Just ask… oh wait hah hah, you can't…well you see those little um guns?"

"Yes" ("you call those guns?")

"Well, hah hah, the last person to see those things pointed at them didn't live to tell about it. It's "a new kind of fire." You've never see anything like what gets fired out of those guns. They're bonafide vaporizers (_duh duh duuuhhhhh!)_

"Mwaaap, mwaap" Tom says.

"Mwaap mwap mwaaap mwap, mwap mwaaap mwaaaapp." Ambassador says.

"Okay, he said he'd help little "Jezebel" here."

"Why did you call Lona Jezebel?! I will not have anyone calling Lona Jezebel!

"Alright alright. Anyway, they say they'll help Lona if you promise to come on the ship and be one of their martian, um, assistants."

"Fine! Just please save her."

"Mwaaap mwap, mwaaaaaaaap." Tom says to Ambassador.

"Mwaap. Mwaap mwap mwap!" Ambassador says

"Mr. Ambassador thinks you're very rude Mr. Traff. You did not say hello."

"Oh, hello." Elmer said, and held out his hand for Ambassador to shake.

"Mwaap?" Ambassador asked Tom.

"No Elmer, he doesn't know what that means. Trace an arch in the air. That's their sign for hello." Elmer did what he was told and the Ambassador motioned for him to follow.

Tom and Elmer combined their strength and lifted Lona into the space craft. They placed her onto the table that the Ambassador indicated.

"Mwaap Mwap Mwaaaap!" Ambassador said pointing at Elmer. Tom translated.

"He wants you to go back there and clean out the crappers."

"Um, ("they use the bathroom?") But, what about Lona." He was very hesitant to leave her but he also knew that if he didn't do what he was told they might very well vaporizer him, or Lona or both of them.

"Ok…" he said and walked into the room where the Ambassador was indicating.

The room was actually just a hallway with a row of doors on either side, and Elmer was trying to figure out which one was the crapper. Elmer accidentally walked into the wrong room and stood horrified at what he saw. A dog with a humans head, and a human with a dogs head!

"Oh My GOD!" he had to get Lona out of here. Big mistake ever trusting the Martians. Elmer ran and ran right into Tom.

"Watch out man! "Try a little tenderness" " Elmer ignored his comment.

"W-woman, is dog…d-dog is w-woman! Have, m-must g-get L-Lona out a-nd me o-ut!"

"What are you on about my Elm man? You're acting worse than a "bridge over troubled waters" "

"THERE IS A WOMAN IN THERE WITH A DOGS HEAD AND A DOG IN THERE WITH A WOMANS HEAD!"

"Oh, how fascinating! These Martians do collect interesting things. I must see them "show me" "

"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND T.J.?! THEY DID IT, THE MARTIANS DID IT! AND THEY'RE GONNA DO THE SAME TO LONA!"

"What, are honestly suggesting that my buddies are conducting "shady business" in a secret room in this space craft? Well, "with a little luck" we can put a stop to it. "Take me to the river", I mean, the room."

Elmer and Tom walked to the room and they opened the door. Tom saw what Elmer was talking about.

"Ok then. Well- that woman was at the scene of the dove crime. In "Memphis, Tennessee" was it? No, I remember it was in Nevada. She was a reporter so- the Martians probably figured she was part of the crime. No worries here. You keep on their good side, they'll keep on yours. "Let it be" I'm sure this woman deserved what she got."

Elmer couldn't believe how cool Tom was about it all. He decided to take matters into his own hands…

Twas the night 'fore All Souls Day

And all through that ship

Not a sound could be heard, not even a drip.

The Martians were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of vaporizers danced in their heads.

And Tommy's in his kerchief, sleeping with his cat

Laughing at Elmer, who's supposed to clean up crap.

When out in the room there arose such a clatter, it nearly awoke the Martian Ambassador.

Away in the closet, Elmer rummaged through trash,

Found what he needed, but it fell with a crash.

The hair on the arm of the scared little man,

Stood as high as hair ever possibly can,

When who to Elmers' fear should happen to come in,

But the Alien Ambassador and one tiny Martian.

With an army behind them of one hundred or so,

Elmer knew in a moment that it was time for him to go.

More rapid than anteaters, he ran from the scene

And eventually poor Elmer started to scream.

Now Sally, Now Bobby, Now Chris, and Hook!

On Otto, On Blondi, They all came to look.

To the top of ship, and into the hall

All six of them came, followed closely by Paul.

As a beaker of acid that before Elmer did spill

Snout man watched closely, it gave him a thrill.

So up to the ship, did the anteater go.

With a bundle of goodies, and a large radio.

And then in instant, as it started to play.

Exploded the heads one by one of his prey.

As he drew in his snout and was turning around

In Elmer came with a particularly large bound.

He was completely shook up, from his head to his butt

And his clothes were all drenched with alien guts

A sleeping Lona he held tight in his arms

And Antubis knew that there was no more harm.

Elmer's eyes – how they darted, his dimples-far from merry

His cheeks were flushed thoroughly, his nose like an un-ripened berry.

His normally large mouth was parted at most

And the skin on his face was as white as a ghosts.

The remains of a race of aliens dripped down his hair

And all that slime fell to his shoes from there.

He had a scared face, and a rather large heart

That showed when he held Lona, like they could never be apart.

He stood there all scared and unsure, as small as an elf.

And Antubis laughed as he watched him, in spite of himself.

A crash in the back and a half a dozen faint sounds

Announced that the others had "finished their rounds"

They came in and immediately started to work,

To fix the problems created by the Ambassador jerk.

And Lona awoke a few minutes later

And remembered nothing that happened before the meteorite and crater.

They all sprang from the ship, to Hook's car they made a b-line

Soon enough they knew Lona would be just fine.

But we heard Elmer produce, as he awoke from his dream.

A loud and obnoxious, terrified SCREAM!


	2. Mars Attacks General Info

In the movie, a hippie like person in the crowd of people watching the Martians land for the first time sent out a dove when the Martians "declared peace" and that set them off. They ended up vaporizing everyone in the crowd.

Among the people in the crowd was a reporter who carried her little mini Chihuahua around everywhere who almost made it out alive, but ended up getting taken by the Martians. They switched her head with her dogs head. Both of them are still very much alive but just "not themselves"

In the end, it turns out that the Martians cannot take loud obnoxious music and it makes their heads explode.

Tom Jones actually did make a guest appearance in Mars Attacks and at the end of the movie sang "It's Not Unusual"


End file.
